Anxiety is attacking

I'm feeling a bit freaked out, today, on a variety of fronts. It's because I'm overtired, which is, in turn, because I'm an idiot and stayed up super late reading. (I highly recommend the entire Hunger Games series, btw. I've now read all three books, 2 of them yesterday).


Still.


I can't stop thinking that next year is going to be hard. I'm going to be far away, and I won't know anyone, and my entire support network, flimsy though it will be, will be 6 to 9 hours off from me. And, as I learned traveling last year, 6 hours is the worst possible time zone difference. When I'm at home and tired and overwhelmed and needing support, everyone will be at work. And when they're at home I'll be asleep (fingers crossed, anyway!). And when I'm getting up for the day .... they'll be asleep. Yes, yes, emails will work, but I'm rather addicted to and dependent on supportive, instantaneous texts. And even phone calls won't really work, except on the occasional weekend. 


Also, for next year: so far I'm the only one from the US who's signed up with my class's FB page. Intellectually I know very well the rest are coming, but it's sort of freaking me out. Cultural centrism aside, I can't really imagine a true year long study abroad without any fellow Americans. Super scary.


I think this is really hitting me today (aside from the tired-ness) because, paying rent today, I noticed I have just 2 checks left in the pad ... and that's all I'm going to use before I leave. And next time I pay, I'll need to give my 60 day notice. Freeeeeeaky.


Also, my brother & sister are coming this next weekend. I was supposed to get ready for the visit over the past couple days - shopping, cleaning, etc. I totally didn't. Hell, Sunday I only got out of bed to snack and to use the bathroom. And I don't see where I'll find the time to get it done between now & Thursday. So I'm panicking a little on that front, too.


And I keep looking at my savings so far and thinking they're not going to be where I want / need them to be, by the time I leave. That's probably not true but ... scary. 


And I still don't know where I'll be living!! That, honestly, is starting to really, truly bother me. And it's completely out of my control.


I'm starting to do the things I do when I'm overwhelmed: I start shutting down, sleeping a lot and shirking any and all responsibilities. Basically: when I start to feel buried I stop shoveling. Not good, and a really, really bad habit. On that score, I guess it's actually good they're coming this weekend as I'll be forced to get my shit together.


Right?